Wah wah. I should become a guru. A spaz guru of some kind. Mouthing full proper bullshit one after the other.
“Close your eyelids my child. Feel the anna praana (cousin Hindi villain) rush out from your right nostril. Breathe in and close your chakras. Close them tight. Clenched tight. Okay now who the fuck farted?”
I wonder what happens if someone farts in those group meditation sessions. I mean I may know what happens when you fart in a yoga class (something that may or may not have happened to me) but I wouldn’t really call that embarrassing. You sorta grin and continue with the reverse dog position. Avoid eye contact. Hypothetically of course.
Was quite taken away with the idea that those love birds are actually the king of dirty talkers in the animal kingdom. Like you know how you see two birds of a branch just chirping the fuck away? Full dirty talk.
“Wanna see it. Chirp chirp. Wanna see it?”
“Chirp chirp. C’mon. You know you want to. Okay just hold it with your claws. Ouch not that hard. Chirp CHIRP CHIRP”
Fuckin dirty birds.
I am possibly the worst dirty talker in town. And its not cause I did not try. Oh I tried.
She: So what you wearing?
Me: Just about to take off my boxers.
Me: Yeah, the butt cheek zone has become some sort of sweat canyon. Did not know you could sweat that much there.
Me: So what you doing?
She: Oh nothing. Absolutely nothing. What do you want to do?
Me: Well…you sure you will be up for it? It is kinda dirty.
She: Hmmmm, tell me more.
Me: I want to **** and then *** you with my ***** and then ***** so hard that your *****
She: You know just saying “beep” “beep” randomly is fucking stupid.
So I have lost/damaged/drowned/broken three phones in the last ten days. What the fuck is going on yaar? So no phone connection. I kinda feel like this fucker right now:
No actually I feel more like that Bhismapita bugger. No, not the Doordarshan one but this one:
But then that is not really connected to the phone losing.
What else, what else? What you did. Why you no speak to me no more man?
Cause I damaged my larynx in a car accident two years ago.
Shit. Why didn’t you tell me about it?
Gahahahahahhahahahaha. Fuck. Disabilities.
Someone recently told me to “Talk to the hand”. Like seriously. And I was like “Yeh kya ho raha hai bhai?” I had no idea that phrase was still being used.
Which reminds me of my continuous efforts to make sure the Parent People have absolutely no idea what I am saying. Comedians that they THINK they are, every once in a while, they will throw back “cool” slang at me. Like “Whatsup Kro?” and “Whats the scene buddy?” (that one really pisses me off).
So nowadays I use absolute nonsense to try and fool them into thinking that it is the latest hep language.
Sample: Instead of saying “what sup” I says “Wasaaaabi”
And the Mother is forced to think, “What the fuck have I created?”