Where I realise that the only people who come of age are the ones who can hit red baboons on their hairy behinds

Its not even like I have to try.

For someone who is perpetually “socially challenged”, the sheer number of uncomfortable situations I find myself is very discomforting.

Have you ever faked liking someone’s cooking? You know, just be “nice”. Well it turns out that if you over do the whole faking thing, then every now and then you will be called to the duped person’s house for some of that uber delicious “cooking”. Apparently the misconception could have been cleared a long time ago through a little honesty, but that did not happen so its a severe case of yummy food ahoy. I suppose there are lessons regarding honesty and all that nonsense to be learnt here.

Have you ever found yourself staring at a person, unable to decide whether s/he is good looking or not? More often than not, I come to the conclusion that this chick has hit every bloody branch of the ugly tree and then you are left looking slightly retarded cause now you are staring out of a perverseness rather than an attraction/admiration of any kind.

Sometime back I realised that you need the oggles to appreciate the hotties. A realisation which hit me minutes before I accepted the Award for Being Politically Correct.

Speaking of which, have you ever seen an ugly baby? Like a real YUCKER on fours? Seinfeld had a two episode special on how to deal with such situations. Hilarious.

Speaking of which, it has always been my belief that the world is a bloody non-stop comedy if you think about it. A Kannada superstar is reportedly very excited about her upcoming film: Porki. Yup that is exactly what its called : PORKEEEEE. Laughed me head off at that.

Also, turns out that THE guggu friend of mine had a major crush on me even as she was chatting up her lesbian lover. Not quite sure what it says about me though.

Oh and a couple of dreams ago, I actually lunched at Psycho bimbo’s home and left in one piece. I have always considered the scariest movies to be the one which pitch deranged people as completely normal individuals. So you have a family of three munching into decomposed human flesh while discussing their day. Or Urmilla Matondkar walking around talking to her mom on a phone whose cable has been cut.

So anyway, there I was sitting across super Psycho, eating yummilicious home food while said Psycho surveyed me with his hunter eyes. There I was, feeling the occasional sea breeze brush past me face as he thought of all the ways a human body could be chopped up; thoughts hidden behind an impassive face with a slight, frozen smile. There I hogged, wondering where the nearest phone was, while he quietly wondered whether he would have to empty out the freezer.

Its not every day that I have a meal with a complete nutter and escape unharmed. I think I escaped cause his mom was around.

I can’t help it if I think you are boring. You are. Be entertaining. Make some jokes or something. Try at least. Zzzzzzzz

I end this completely relevant, focused and wise rant with a chottu piece of advice: do not ever record your voice on any media and then play it back. YOU DO NOT SOUND ANYTHING LIKE YOU THINK YOU DO.

Turns out to be a very mind bending exercise. Always imagined myself to have a deep, booming baritone with more than a hint of sophistication and good breeding.

Right.

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One Response to Where I realise that the only people who come of age are the ones who can hit red baboons on their hairy behinds

  1. psycho says:

    Boring?….The next time I’ll chop you down…mother or no mother.

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